i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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