Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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