I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
