She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
