Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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