my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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