I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
