your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
