That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
