if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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