you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
