i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
