just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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