Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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