i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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