hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
