well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
