Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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