the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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