false alarm. still invincible.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
