My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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