Four minutes until I can fart!
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
