ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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