I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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