Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
