Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
