I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
