i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
