Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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