FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
