I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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