How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Don't tell me you're on acid again
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
