One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
