i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
