If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
