I've blown a few things in my day
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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