ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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