i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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