weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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