and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
