11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Randomize
