1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
