I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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