i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
