our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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