proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Randomize
