Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
