I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Randomize
