I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Maybe he injected his testicle?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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