I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize