you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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