So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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