I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
