so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
