just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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