Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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