i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
