Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
