yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
