So drunk its hurt
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
