Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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